hidingfromyoume both

Summer

Tue, 21 May 2013 12:48:44 -0400

Every summer, the sweet smell of jasmines in bloom mingle with the cool night air. In that scent carries bittersweet memories of years past, when all we worried about was what would happen tomorrow.

Food tastes so much better when you're sharing with friends.

Tue, 21 May 2013 02:56:34 -0400

When I am alone and eating, it is just to fill me up and stay alive. Not necessarily healthy, but enough to be alive.

With friends, I taste the food. The laughs and conversations add so much flavor. I look forward to eating.

It becomes something I look forward to, rather than a chore I must do.

It's not about dying.

Tue, 07 May 2013 23:17:02 -0400

It’s about relieving ourselves of the heavy emotions.

It’s about punishing ourselves.

It’s about physical pain.

It’s about control.

It was never about dying.

Are dreams so shallow that they can be taken away by another person?

Thu, 02 May 2013 13:27:11 -0400

Eyes diverted.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 04:56:25 -0400

This weekend was a beautiful weekend. It was warm and sunny and breezy. I wore a bright coral sun dress and a white cream shawl.

I stood in vivid green grass, little white flowers popping up and embracing their first sun. I was surrounded by people I loved, in front of a slab of granite.

Upon that granite was a portrait of an elderly man, captured and frozen from a time when he was vibrant, laughing, and healthy. The black granite was a somber reminder of someone who one was.

My grandfather stood there. It was a quiet. His sniffles and sobs for the brother who had suffered much to bring our family to what it is now. My grandfather, who had problems walking, walked up the steep hill. I was there to hear his broken heart

That bright, sunny day we all shared was a celebration of this person’s life. This great person who once had the world beneath his feet, which was then forcibly taken, and stripped to be left out to make his own way. He left everything he knew and sacrificed all he had for those he loved.

That day, I saw clearly for the first time the legacy this one great person created and left behind.

I can't bring myself to tell the truth.

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 00:48:31 -0400

The truth is so much easier when I’m writing it down.

The truth is,

I’ve lost interest in lots of things. Drawing and photography. The drive to keep moving forward. I still remember all my hopes and dreams, I just don’t seem to care about them anymore.

The truth is,

I still want to hurt myself.

It’s the only thing I can think about when I feel like this. When for weeks, all these feelings from nowhere just start building up.

They pile and pile and pile until there’s almost nowhere to go.

Pain just happens to be a reliable release.

For control.

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:22:16 -0400

When I first heard that some people were anorexic because they felt it was the only way regain control of their lives, I didn’t get it.

If you keep telling me to eat, I won’t eat.

Until I said those words in a moment of frustration and anger.

I felt like I had control of the situation. It felt wonderful.

And the days when I didn’t eat because I had no time or just forgot.

I felt so light and wonderful when I was running.

But of course, I know I need to eat.

Otherwise my metabolism slows down

And I get fat.

Faster.

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 23:29:03 -0400

Where are you running?

Away.

From what?

My problems. At least, temporarily.

That’s what I tell myself.

I run for the feeling afterwards.

The soreness in my legs,

The burn in my chest.

I run without a phone, without music

Into the night.

I want to feel something.

Anything.

Anything is better than nothing.

I'm looking for happiness.

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:44:38 -0400

If I run more, I lose more weight.

I’ll be happier.

If I eat less, I’ll not gain weight.

I’ll be happier.

In the end, it’s all just a lie. I’ll never be happy.

Because happiness is perfection.

Feelings.

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 21:25:00 -0400

Today I am not happy.

And I don’t know why.

Sleep.

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 00:06:34 -0400

When I was little, my nights were consistently filled nightmares of losing my parents. They were always present, but never accessible. I can run towards them with all my might but I never got any closer.

As I’ve grown, the nightmares faded. That is not to say that scary things don’t happen in my dreams because they still do. Fingers about to be chopped off, my own death and revival in a body that continued decaying, being lost in a tower with no exit. They all still happen. But they’re not nightmares. They’re adventures, stories that play themselves out when I’m not actively living my own story.

I miss my nightmares. The feelings of terror were so real but when I wake up, my parents were always there. I knew what I was going to do tomorrow. There was no questioning it. Compared to these adventures and dreams where I woke up not knowing my future, not knowing if I would see my parents again, I am willing to take the terror night after night.

And this is how I know everything is changing.

Every Wednesday.

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 22:52:06 -0500

It’s something I have to do, for myself. No matter how tiring or painful it is, this backup of emotions have to go. Despite how easy it is to lie to myself, to pretend nothing happened, or to keep everything inside again, it’s not good.

When they come out, they will come out in the form of tears and barely coherent words.

What you do, as the therapist, is to take that mess and turn it into sentences and ideas that I can understand.

After all, understanding is the first step.

I wonder.

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 02:30:58 -0500

Does everyone feel the same things I do but hide it better? Can endure it better? Or maybe aren’t weak like I am? Is there a secret to surviving all of this? Can I know it?

I asked my counselor and I’ve already forgotten the whole session. I also discovered things about myself. I’ve kept so much inside that I don’t know how it is to feel anymore. I’m frustrated because others don’t know how I feel, but I shouldn’t be frustrated at them until I let myself feel. And once I understand my own feelings, I can finally let others understand.

In reality, this whole time, I was alone. I felt alone. It is my words, my truth, against many others. But do these strangers matter when they are outsiders looking in? Why should my parents believe me when so many observers have their word against mines?

Just knowing this, I feel so alone.

Starvation Diets.

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 01:00:43 -0500

I remember why I can’t do them.

My sugar crashes. Then I crash.

But how do I starve away these emotions?

Emotional vomit.

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:33:24 -0500

Having all these feelings come out all at once, processing them after such a long time, is so very tiring.

The clouds float softly over the dusk skies. Slowly, slowly, slowly. Our lives are just blinks in...

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 20:02:09 -0500

The clouds float softly over the dusk skies.

Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Our lives are just blinks in time. They mean nothing in this great picture.

What I wish for.

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 17:04:29 -0500

The tears I’ve shed and will be shedding hold bits and pieces of emotions, memories, and experiences. Like wringing a wet towel dry, I will let go of this weight and finally stand in the sun. Not as a “normal” person, but as a better version of myself.

I promised that I would help myself.

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 03:29:06 -0500

If not, just for a little understanding of why I am the way I am.

Shopping is my all-cure.

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 01:15:21 -0500

The money spent is well worth the ease in emotional anguish.

Even if only temporary.

Until I can calm down and be rational, no matter how irrational the other person is.

If

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 13:26:55 -0500

Only I had died in that car accident. I want to just off myself so my parents can adopt a third world kid who would be much more grateful for this life. Moving forward is just so hard right now.